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Дата написания1970-01-01
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Страница 2 из 32"When you came back you would find your hated Rival on the Hill with the Batteries turned against you. Camp on the Job and work straight toward the High Mark. And remember that anybody with less than a Million is a Two-Spot in a soiled Deck."
From that day the Piking ceased. No more of the dinky trafficking of the Retailer. He went out and bought Public Service Utilities on Nerve, treated them with Aqua Pura by the Hogshead, and created Wealth by purely lithographic Methods. And, if he wanted to reason out a Deal with a contrary-minded Gazook, he began the Negotiations by soaking the Adversary behind the Ear and frisking him before he came to.
A Fairy Wand had been waved above the snide Bungalow, and it was now a Queen Anne Chateau dripping with Dew-dads of Scroll Work and congested with Black Walnut. The Goddess took her Mocha in the Feathers, and a Music Teacher came twice each week to bridge the awful chasm between Dorothy and Chopin. Dinner had been moved up to Milking Time. Sweetbreads and Artichokes came into the Lives of the Trio thus favored by Fortune.
One day the busy Thimble-Rigger took his Helpmate into the lonesome Library and broke the glad Tidings to her.
"I have unloaded all my Cripples," he said. "They have been wished on a Group of Philanthropists in New England. Sound the glad Tocsin. I have a Million in my Kick."
So she began packing the huge Saratogas and reading the Folders on Egypt and the Riviera. He sat in his Den pulling at a long black Excepcionale. Through the bluish clouds of Smoke came that old familiar Voice.
"Let the Missus and the Heiress do the European Thing," said Ambition. "You stick around. Wait for Black Friday. Then get busy at the Bargain Counter. By and by the new Crop will begin to move, and Money will creep out of the Yarn Stockings and a few Wise Gazabes will cop all the Plush. In every Palm Room there are more Millionaires than Palms. But the Big Round Table over by the Fountain is always reserved by Oscar for the Lad who can show Ten Millions."
The Ocean Greyhound moved out past Sandy Hook with the Family and all the Maids on board, but Papa remained behind to sharpen his Tools and get ready for another Killing.
Every time he was given a Crimp in the Rue de la Paix he caught even by leading a new Angora up the Chute and into the Shambles.
When the fully matured Goddess and the radiant Heroine of the latest International Alliance came home with the French Language and two tons of Glad Raiment, they found themselves reuning with the Magnate at the big Table over by the Fountain.
Our Hero was now sleeping in a Bed almost twelve feet wide, with a silk Tent over it. One Morning he found the Companion of many Years sitting on the edge of the Mattress.
"Again?" asked the Multi-Millionaire. "What next?"
"The Exercises up to this Time have been Preliminary," said Ambition. "What is the good of a Bank Roll if you cannot garnish it with the delectable Parsley of Social Eminence? Get a Wiggle on you. Send for the Boys with the Frock Coats and the Soft Hats and let them dig in to their Elbows. Tell the Press Agent to organize a typewriting Phalanx. Assume a few Mortgages on fluttering Newspapers. Lay a Corner-Stone ever and anon. Be Interviewed."
"What are you leading up to?" asked the Financial Giant, a sickly Fear creeping into the Region formerly occupied by his Heart.
"The Logical Finish," replied Ambition, with a reassuring Pat on the Shoulder. "You must go to the Senate. The White Palace, suitable for entertaining purposes, now awaits you in Washington. The Bulb Lights glow dimly above the Porte Cochere. A red Carpet invites you to climb the Marble Stairway and spread yourself all over the Throne. On a Receiving Night, when the perfumed Aliens in their Masquerade Suits rally around the Punch Bowl, your Place will resemble the Last Act of something by Klaw & Erlanger. You will play Stud with the Makers of History and be seen leaving the Executive Mansion."
This Line of Talk landed him. He Fell for it. That year the Christmas Tree drooped with valuable Gifts for the Boys who stood after they were hitched.
He went up to Washington with an eviscerated Check-Book in his Pocket, and a faint Odor of Scandal in his Wake, but he was a certified Servant of the People. His Cut Flowers were the Talk in Official Circles. The most Exclusive consented to flirt with his Wine Cellar.
To a mere Outsider it looked as if Ambition had certainly boosted his Nobs to the final Himalayan Peak of Human Happiness. He had a House as big as a Hospital. The Hallways were cluttered with whispering Servants of the most immaculate and grovelling Description. His Wife and the Daughter and the Cigarette-Holder she had picked up in Europe figured in the Gay Life of the Nation's Capital every Night and went to see a Nerve Specialist every Day. The whole Bunch rode gaily on the Top Wave of the Social Swim, with a Terrapin as an Escort and a squad of Canvas-Back Ducks as Body-Guard.
Notwithstanding all which, Father was the sorest Hard-Shell that motored along Pennsylvania Avenue.
The Dime Denouncers printed his Picture, saying that he was owned by the Interests and hated the sight of a Poor Working Girl. When the High Class continuous Show in the Senate Chamber showed signs of flopping and the Press Gallery became impatient, some Alkali Statesman of the New School would arise in his Place and give our Hero a Turning- Over, concluding with a faithful Pen-Picture of the Dishonored Grave marked by a single Headstone, chiseled as follows: "Here lies a Burglar."
When he went traveling, he had his Food smuggled into the Drawing-Room.
He knew if he went drilling through the Pullmans, some of the Passengers who had seen the Cartoons might recognize him as the notorious Malefactor.
One day, while he was cowering in a dark corner of his Club to get away from the pesky Reporters, he was joined by the Trouble-Maker.
"I gave you the wrong Steer," said Ambition, now much subdued. "You are in Dutch. Beat it! All the Rough-Necks down by the Round-House and the fretful Simps along every R. F. D. Route are getting ready to interfere in the Affairs of Government. The Storm Clouds of Anarchy are lowering. In other words, the new Primary Law has begun to do business. Every downtrodden Mokus owing $800 on a $500 House is honing for a Chance to Hand It to somebody wearing a Seal-Skin Overcoat. From now on, seek Contentment, Rural Quietude, and a cinch Rate of 5 Per Cent. on all your Holdings."
So Ambition, after leading him hither and yon, finally conducted him to the swell Country House surrounded by Oaks and winding Drives and Sunken Gardens.
Far from the Hurly-Burly he settled down among his Boston Terriers and Orchids and Talking-Machines and allowed Old Age to ripen and mellow him into a Patriarch of the benevolent Pattern.
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Camp on the Job and work straight toward the High Mark. And remember that anybody with less than a Million is a Two-Spot in a soiled Deck.\""},{"id":"content0:28","kind":"paragraph","text":"From that day the Piking ceased. No more of the dinky trafficking of the Retailer. He went out and bought Public Service Utilities on Nerve, treated them with Aqua Pura by the Hogshead, and created Wealth by purely lithographic Methods. And, if he wanted to reason out a Deal with a contrary-minded Gazook, he began the Negotiations by soaking the Adversary behind the Ear and frisking him before he came to."},{"id":"content0:29","kind":"paragraph","text":"A Fairy Wand had been waved above the snide Bungalow, and it was now a Queen Anne Chateau dripping with Dew-dads of Scroll Work and congested with Black Walnut. The Goddess took her Mocha in the Feathers, and a Music Teacher came twice each week to bridge the awful chasm between Dorothy and Chopin. Dinner had been moved up to Milking Time. Sweetbreads and Artichokes came into the Lives of the Trio thus favored by Fortune."},{"id":"content0:30","kind":"paragraph","text":"One day the busy Thimble-Rigger took his Helpmate into the lonesome Library and broke the glad Tidings to her."},{"id":"content0:31","kind":"paragraph","text":"\"I have unloaded all my Cripples,\" he said. \"They have been wished on a Group of Philanthropists in New England. Sound the glad Tocsin. I have a Million in my Kick.\""},{"id":"content0:32","kind":"paragraph","text":"So she began packing the huge Saratogas and reading the Folders on Egypt and the Riviera. He sat in his Den pulling at a long black Excepcionale. Through the bluish clouds of Smoke came that old familiar Voice."},{"id":"content0:33","kind":"paragraph","text":"\"Let the Missus and the Heiress do the European Thing,\" said Ambition. \"You stick around. Wait for Black Friday. Then get busy at the Bargain Counter. By and by the new Crop will begin to move, and Money will creep out of the Yarn Stockings and a few Wise Gazabes will cop all the Plush. In every Palm Room there are more Millionaires than Palms. But the Big Round Table over by the Fountain is always reserved by Oscar for the Lad who can show Ten Millions.\""},{"id":"content0:34","kind":"paragraph","text":"The Ocean Greyhound moved out past Sandy Hook with the Family and all the Maids on board, but Papa remained behind to sharpen his Tools and get ready for another Killing."},{"id":"content0:35","kind":"paragraph","text":"Every time he was given a Crimp in the Rue de la Paix he caught even by leading a new Angora up the Chute and into the Shambles."},{"id":"content0:36","kind":"paragraph","text":"When the fully matured Goddess and the radiant Heroine of the latest International Alliance came home with the French Language and two tons of Glad Raiment, they found themselves reuning with the Magnate at the big Table over by the Fountain."},{"id":"content0:37","kind":"paragraph","text":"Our Hero was now sleeping in a Bed almost twelve feet wide, with a silk Tent over it. One Morning he found the Companion of many Years sitting on the edge of the Mattress."},{"id":"content0:38","kind":"paragraph","text":"\"Again?\" asked the Multi-Millionaire. \"What next?\""},{"id":"content0:39","kind":"paragraph","text":"\"The Exercises up to this Time have been Preliminary,\" said Ambition. \"What is the good of a Bank Roll if you cannot garnish it with the delectable Parsley of Social Eminence? Get a Wiggle on you. Send for the Boys with the Frock Coats and the Soft Hats and let them dig in to their Elbows. Tell the Press Agent to organize a typewriting Phalanx. Assume a few Mortgages on fluttering Newspapers. Lay a Corner-Stone ever and anon. Be Interviewed.\""},{"id":"content0:40","kind":"paragraph","text":"\"What are you leading up to?\" asked the Financial Giant, a sickly Fear creeping into the Region formerly occupied by his Heart."},{"id":"content0:41","kind":"paragraph","text":"\"The Logical Finish,\" replied Ambition, with a reassuring Pat on the Shoulder. \"You must go to the Senate. The White Palace, suitable for entertaining purposes, now awaits you in Washington. The Bulb Lights glow dimly above the Porte Cochere. A red Carpet invites you to climb the Marble Stairway and spread yourself all over the Throne. On a Receiving Night, when the perfumed Aliens in their Masquerade Suits rally around the Punch Bowl, your Place will resemble the Last Act of something by Klaw \u0026 Erlanger. You will play Stud with the Makers of History and be seen leaving the Executive Mansion.\""},{"id":"content0:42","kind":"paragraph","text":"This Line of Talk landed him. He Fell for it. That year the Christmas Tree drooped with valuable Gifts for the Boys who stood after they were hitched."},{"id":"content0:43","kind":"paragraph","text":"He went up to Washington with an eviscerated Check-Book in his Pocket, and a faint Odor of Scandal in his Wake, but he was a certified Servant of the People. His Cut Flowers were the Talk in Official Circles. The most Exclusive consented to flirt with his Wine Cellar."},{"id":"content0:44","kind":"paragraph","text":"To a mere Outsider it looked as if Ambition had certainly boosted his Nobs to the final Himalayan Peak of Human Happiness. He had a House as big as a Hospital. The Hallways were cluttered with whispering Servants of the most immaculate and grovelling Description. His Wife and the Daughter and the Cigarette-Holder she had picked up in Europe figured in the Gay Life of the Nation's Capital every Night and went to see a Nerve Specialist every Day. The whole Bunch rode gaily on the Top Wave of the Social Swim, with a Terrapin as an Escort and a squad of Canvas-Back Ducks as Body-Guard."},{"id":"content0:45","kind":"paragraph","text":"Notwithstanding all which, Father was the sorest Hard-Shell that motored along Pennsylvania Avenue."},{"id":"content0:46","kind":"paragraph","text":"The Dime Denouncers printed his Picture, saying that he was owned by the Interests and hated the sight of a Poor Working Girl. When the High Class continuous Show in the Senate Chamber showed signs of flopping and the Press Gallery became impatient, some Alkali Statesman of the New School would arise in his Place and give our Hero a Turning- Over, concluding with a faithful Pen-Picture of the Dishonored Grave marked by a single Headstone, chiseled as follows: \"Here lies a Burglar.\""},{"id":"content0:47","kind":"paragraph","text":"When he went traveling, he had his Food smuggled into the Drawing-Room."},{"id":"content0:48","kind":"paragraph","text":"He knew if he went drilling through the Pullmans, some of the Passengers who had seen the Cartoons might recognize him as the notorious Malefactor."},{"id":"content0:49","kind":"paragraph","text":"One day, while he was cowering in a dark corner of his Club to get away from the pesky Reporters, he was joined by the Trouble-Maker."},{"id":"content0:50","kind":"paragraph","text":"\"I gave you the wrong Steer,\" said Ambition, now much subdued. \"You are in Dutch. Beat it! All the Rough-Necks down by the Round-House and the fretful Simps along every R. F. D. Route are getting ready to interfere in the Affairs of Government. The Storm Clouds of Anarchy are lowering. In other words, the new Primary Law has begun to do business. Every downtrodden Mokus owing $800 on a $500 House is honing for a Chance to Hand It to somebody wearing a Seal-Skin Overcoat. From now on, seek Contentment, Rural Quietude, and a cinch Rate of 5 Per Cent. on all your Holdings.\""},{"id":"content0:51","kind":"paragraph","text":"So Ambition, after leading him hither and yon, finally conducted him to the swell Country House surrounded by Oaks and winding Drives and Sunken Gardens."},{"id":"content0:52","kind":"paragraph","text":"Far from the Hurly-Burly he settled down among his Boston Terriers and Orchids and Talking-Machines and allowed Old Age to ripen and mellow him into a Patriarch of the benevolent Pattern."}],"toc":[{"id":"content0:0:1","label":"George Ade Ade's Fables","page":1,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK#reader-content"},{"id":"content0:1:1","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE PRIVATE AGITATOR AND WHAT HE COOKED UP","page":1,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK#reader-content"},{"id":"content1:0:3","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE SPEEDY SPRITE","page":3,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=3#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:0:5","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE INTERMITTENT FUSSER","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:0:7","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE SEARCH FOR CLIMATE","page":7,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=7#reader-content"},{"id":"content4:0:9","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE FATHER WHO JUMPED IN","page":9,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=9#reader-content"},{"id":"content5:0:11","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE UPLIFTER AND HIS DANDY LITTLE OPUS","page":11,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=11#reader-content"},{"id":"content6:0:13","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE WANDERING BOY AND THE WAYWARD PARENT","page":13,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=13#reader-content"},{"id":"content7:0:15","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF WHAT TRANSPIRES AFTER THE WIND-UP","page":15,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=15#reader-content"},{"id":"content8:0:17","label":"THE DREAM THAT CAME OUT WITH MUCH TO BOOT","page":17,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=17#reader-content"},{"id":"content9:0:19","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE TOILSOME ASCENT AND THE SHINING TABLE-LAND","page":19,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=19#reader-content"},{"id":"content10:0:21","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE AERIAL PERFORMER, THE BUZZING BLONDINE, AND THE DAUGHTER OF MR. JACKSON","page":21,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=21#reader-content"},{"id":"content11:0:23","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF SUSAN AND THE DAUGHTER AND THE GRAND-DAUGHTER, AND THEN SOMETHING REALLY GRAND","page":23,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=23#reader-content"},{"id":"content12:0:25","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE SCOFFER WHO FELL HARD AND THE WOMAN SITTING BY","page":25,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=25#reader-content"},{"id":"content13:0:27","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE LONESOME CAMP ON THE FROZEN HEIGHTS","page":27,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=27#reader-content"},{"id":"content14:0:30","label":"THE NEW FABLE OF THE MARATHON IN THE MUD AND THE LAUREL WREATH","page":30,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=30#reader-content"},{"id":"content14:87:32","label":"THE END","page":32,"pageUrl":"/books/2F4MUpHK?page=32#reader-content"}]},"similarBooks":[{"idCatalog":761517,"shortId":"3dfhHe5z","title":"Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia","authorLine":"Samuel Johnson","primaryAuthorId":"6054c2eb-f856-102d-b528-b4a213751508","coverUrl":"https://storage.yandexcloud.net/bookra-catalog-pd-public/content/2d58bc38-993d-11e8-a002-0cc47a5f3f85/thumbs/400.webp","publicUrl":"https://bookra.app/books/3dfhHe5z"},{"idCatalog":761601,"shortId":"4G540kfv","title":"The Bab Ballads","authorLine":"William Schwenck Gilbert","primaryAuthorId":"20f36929-ea99-11e0-9959-47117d41cf4b","coverUrl":"https://storage.yandexcloud.net/bookra-catalog-pd-public/content/2e6be206-993d-11e8-a002-0cc47a5f3f85/thumbs/400.webp","publicUrl":"https://bookra.app/books/4G540kfv"},{"idCatalog":762912,"shortId":"0qrSGVOA","title":"Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 36, December 3, 1870","authorLine":"Various","primaryAuthorId":"6bc78809-ff55-11e6-9c73-0cc47a1952f2","coverUrl":"https://storage.yandexcloud.net/bookra-catalog-pd-public/content/5ea77570-867b-11e8-aa6b-0cc47a520474/thumbs/400.webp","publicUrl":"https://bookra.app/books/0qrSGVOA"},{"idCatalog":760721,"shortId":"3in3xuEh","title":"More Fables","authorLine":"George Ade","primaryAuthorId":"6a233c3f-ff55-11e6-9c73-0cc47a1952f2","coverUrl":"https://storage.yandexcloud.net/bookra-catalog-pd-public/content/1b63e6c5-a43b-11e8-aa6b-0cc47a520474/thumbs/400.webp","publicUrl":"https://bookra.app/books/3in3xuEh"},{"idCatalog":760910,"shortId":"2myVxZhM","title":"Travels and Adventures of Monsieur Violet","authorLine":"Фредерик Марриет","primaryAuthorId":"e0740491-2a81-102a-9ae1-2dfe723fe7c7","coverUrl":"https://storage.yandexcloud.net/bookra-catalog-pd-public/content/1f683a90-c54e-11e8-9614-0cc47a545a1e/thumbs/400.webp","publicUrl":"https://bookra.app/books/2myVxZhM"},{"idCatalog":761074,"shortId":"16zGr76i","title":"Coffee and Repartee","authorLine":"John Bangs","primaryAuthorId":"68e7d373-ff55-11e6-9c73-0cc47a1952f2","coverUrl":"https://storage.yandexcloud.net/bookra-catalog-pd-public/content/22357f00-a43b-11e8-aa6b-0cc47a520474/thumbs/400.webp","publicUrl":"https://bookra.app/books/16zGr76i"},{"idCatalog":765161,"shortId":"0gCSAYXP","title":"Cobb\u0026apos;s Bill-of-Fare","authorLine":"Irvin Cobb","primaryAuthorId":"6cc3816e-ff55-11e6-9c73-0cc47a1952f2","coverUrl":"https://storage.yandexcloud.net/bookra-catalog-pd-public/content/c49f0544-a43a-11e8-aa6b-0cc47a520474/thumbs/400.webp","publicUrl":"https://bookra.app/books/0gCSAYXP"},{"idCatalog":764281,"shortId":"08uBAsER","title":"Hero Tales from American History","authorLine":"Henry Cabot Lodge, Theodore Roosevelt","primaryAuthorId":"5138741f-ea98-11e0-9959-47117d41cf4b","coverUrl":"https://storage.yandexcloud.net/bookra-catalog-pd-public/content/a943bfe6-a43a-11e8-aa6b-0cc47a520474/thumbs/400.webp","publicUrl":"https://bookra.app/books/08uBAsER"},{"idCatalog":765672,"shortId":"4TUl4xhC","title":"A Plea for Old Cap Collier","authorLine":"Irvin Cobb","primaryAuthorId":"6cc3816e-ff55-11e6-9c73-0cc47a1952f2","coverUrl":"https://storage.yandexcloud.net/bookra-catalog-pd-public/content/d0063841-a43a-11e8-aa6b-0cc47a520474/thumbs/400.webp","publicUrl":"https://bookra.app/books/4TUl4xhC"},{"idCatalog":765884,"shortId":"4RIzsptC","title":"The Hohenzollerns in America","authorLine":"Стивен Батлер Ликок","primaryAuthorId":"1f98baa1-2a82-102a-9ae1-2dfe723fe7c7","coverUrl":"https://storage.yandexcloud.net/bookra-catalog-pd-public/content/defc35da-a43a-11e8-aa6b-0cc47a520474/thumbs/400.webp","publicUrl":"https://bookra.app/books/4RIzsptC"},{"idCatalog":766318,"shortId":"0xUbWL5U","title":"Nonsense Novels","authorLine":"Стивен Батлер Ликок","primaryAuthorId":"1f98baa1-2a82-102a-9ae1-2dfe723fe7c7","coverUrl":"https://storage.yandexcloud.net/bookra-catalog-pd-public/content/f920b5ea-a43a-11e8-aa6b-0cc47a520474/thumbs/400.webp","publicUrl":"https://bookra.app/books/0xUbWL5U"},{"idCatalog":760493,"shortId":"0bAsBuzf","title":"Contes humoristiques - 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