A colored preacher who had only a small share of this world's goods, and whose salary was not forthcoming on several occasions, became exasperated. At his morning service he spoke to his church members thusly:

"Bredern and sistern, things is not as should be. You 'must not 'spects I can preach on u'th an' boa'd in Heben."

The Maid Knew a Thing or Two

"Madam," said the book-agent as the door was opened by a very comely maid, "I am selling a new book on etiquette and deportment."

"Oh, you are," she responded. "Go down there on the grass and clean the mud off your feet."

"Yes'm," and he went. "As I was saying, ma'am," he continued as he again came to the door, "I am sell–"

"Take off your hat! Never address a strange lady at her door without removing your hat."

"Yes'm." And off went the hat. "Now, then, as I was saying–"

"Take your hands out of your pockets. No gentleman ever carries his hands there."

"Yes'm," and his hands clutched at his coat lapels. "Now, ma'am, this work on eti–"

"Throw out your cud. If a gentleman uses tobacco he is careful not to disgust others by the habit."

"Yes'm," and the tobacco disappeared. "Now, ma'am," as he wiped his brow, "in calling your attention to this valuable–"

"Wait. Put that dirty handkerchief out of sight. I don't want your book. I am only the hired girl. You can come in, however, and talk with the lady of the house. She called me a liar this morning and I think she needs something of the kind."

Under Similar Conditions

"Speaking of men falling in love and ardently pursuing the object of their affections, you needn't make fun of any one, John. You were bound to have me, but you can't say I ever ran after you."

"Very true, Anastasia, the trap never runs after the rat, but it gathers him in all the same."

His First Move

A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized society after an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at first sight with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party.

On leaving the house that evening the young lady forgot her overshoes, and the hostess, who had noticed the Westerner's infatuation, told the young Lochinvar that he might return them to the girl if he wished. The herder leaped at the chance and presented himself in due time at the young lady's house. She greeted him cordially.

"You forgot your overshoes last night," he said, awkwardly handing her the package.

"Why, there's only one overshoe here!" she exclaimed, as she thanked him and opened it.

"Yes, Miss," said he, blushing. "I'll bring the other one tomorrow. Oh, how I wish that you were a centipede!" And with that he turned and sped away down the street.

His "Catch" Was Delayed

Tommy went fishing the other day without his mother's permission. The next morning one of his chums met him and asked: "Did you catch anything yesterday, Tommy?"

"Not till I got home," was the rather sad response.

Using His Friends

A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during the afternoon:

"By-the-way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could do to get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased or something."

"Oh, no," replied the owner, "oh, no, that's all right."

"Why is it?" asked the visitor.

"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gate pumps two buckets of water into the tank on the roof."

He Did—After That

A young man who persisted in whispering loudly to the lady who accompanied him to a symphony concert, telling her what the music "meant," what sort of a passage was coming next, and so on, caused serious annoyance to every one of his immediate neighbors. Presently he closed his eyes and said to his companion:

"Did you ever try listening to music with your eyes shut? You've no idea how lovely it sounds!"

Thereupon a gentleman who sat in the seat in front of the young man twisted himself about and said gravely:

"Young man, did you ever try listening to music with your mouth shut?"

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