I here agree with this, my Rhiming Foe, And own 'tis Folly when the Case is so; For whatsoe'er the cunning Jilt pretend To her Old Husband, yet she'll have Her Friend; She'll coax the Dotard when his Bags are full, Yet even then graft Horns upon his Skull, Makes him a Beggar to enrich her Cull: She seems most fond, till she gets all the Pence, And then with Bag and Baggage marches thence; She leaves the Fool without one single Cross, To sit, lamenting for his fatal Loss.

Answer to the Sixth Mock Comfort

But here I differ from the Poet's Thought, Who says, A Scold as even good for nought; For, like Job's Wife, she will Man's Patience try, And bring Repentance too, before he die: Then who'd live single, if a Scolding Wife Works such great Wonders in a Husband's Life?

Answer to the Seventh Mock Comfort

No modest Woman will disdain her Spouse, Because he seldom peeps into her House; Since Age and Sickness doth the Sport prevent, She'll exercise her Patience with Content: For where all's gone, the Queen must lose Her Right, So must a Wife the Pleasure of the Night. A Loving Woman, puts up those Defects, And gives her Husband Honour and Respect; Like Pious Sarah, serve him like a Lord; Obeys in all things, which do's Peace afford: Their Children too add Pleasure to their Lives! Thus Men are Bless'd, who marry Virtuous Wives.

Answer to the Eighth Mock Comfort

Why should not Females under Wedlock tyes, Participate with what the Man Enjoys? Man's Second-self must have her share in Mirth A Freedom, which is right to her by Birth: If Fortune's Bounty has encreased her Store, Her Husband's Love to her shou'd be the more; No Cost or Care too much for such a Wife, Whose Vertuous Charms adds Pleasure to the Life: Such Comforts on a married Life depend, There's nothing like a Loving Bosom-Friend. If Husband's Stock is wasted by mischance, A careful Wife will soon the same advance.

Answer to the Ninth Mock Comfort

The Man more often is the cause of Loss, By Drinking, Whoring or some Earthly Cross; Then patient Wife, who yet must bear the Blame, And hide the cause of his notorous Shame; And many times the Sons and Daughters too, Act just the same they see their Father do: And therefore if they chance to go astray, The Father pointed out the crooked way; And yet the Crosses in a married Life Are all imputed to a Tender Wife: And notwithstanding all this knavish Art, It sooner breaks the Wife's than Husband's Heart.

Answer to the Tenth Mock Comfort

I wonder where this spiteful Author finds such wanton Women, with such lustful Minds; Unless he speaks by knowledg of his own, Whose Lewdness is the Scandal of the Town; If so, he's not mistaken in his Mark, For Joan's as good as Lady in the Dark: But 'tis unjust to tax all Womankind, With Vices proper to one single mind. If some are bad, I only this shall say, I pity those that wed with such as they.

Answer to the Eleventh Mock Comfort

This by Experience, as I said before, You speak because you married such a Wh–re; The words themselves as plain, as plain can be Describe your self, that you are only He, The very Actions with your cheating Bride, In lustful Sport, when you lay by her side; How by degrees she did the Fool deceive With fained Blushes make you then believe Her Virgin Fort well fortify'd within, Free from Attacks of such a pleasing Sin: What e'er the Picture wants of being true, Is, that it looks not so deform'd as you.

Answer to the Twelfth Mock Comfort

Tho' some are blindly led, and others run, And make both haste and speed to be undone; This alters not the Case in any wise, But that a Man sometimes may get a Prize, If some be wanton in obscure Nookes, And Ape the Saint, by framing modest Looks; Deceive the Husband, with her cunning Wiles, And cheat his Senses with her feigned smiles, These (I confess,) are hardships to be born, And worse to think the Fore-head tip'd with Horn, But still good Wives, if any such there be, Are real Comforts of a high Degree.

Answer to the Thirteenth Mock Comfort

The Lawyer's Wife is brought in for her share, To recompence her Loving Husband's care; As he by Bribes hath Honest Men undone, She gives to Knaves, what he might call his own. But Drugs and Poysons to a married Wife, I cannot understand it for my Life. For she that has a Husband need not fear, But all Suspicion soon will disappear. No matter where or when the Child was got, It always falls unto the Husband's Lot.

Answer to the Fourteenth Mock Comfort

'Tis true, a Widow always knows the best, To judge those Joys, which some do call a Jest. And if her Second Mate prove weak and dull, With Sorrow then be sure her Heart is full. And who can blame her, if she makes Complaint, For that sweet Comfort to supply her want. Well may she grieve at such a Cross as this, For that one Fault makes all things go amiss. If Husband wants what Widows Nature crave } He'd better be condemn'd to be a Slave, } Or make the Raging Sea his Watry Grave. } But if she finds her Pleasures to encrease, Oh! then (my Husband) how we live in Peace. She's then all Charms, no Comforts here below, Are like what she and her dear Spouse do know.

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The Fifteen Comforts of Matrimony: Responses from Men

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Answer to the Fifth Mock Comfort