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The Mirror of Literature, Amusement, and Instruction. Volume 10, No. 287, December 15, 1827
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A PORTRAIT
Sketched in the year of the world, 5831; and, of my bachelorship, 24
(For the Mirror.)
Chaste, as the icicle, That's curded by the frost from purer snow, And hangs on Dian's temple; Dear—old maid.
Sed mihi vel tellus optem prius ima dehiscat, Vel Pater omnipotens adigat me fulmine ad umbras, Pallentes umbras Erebi, noctemque profundum, Ante, pudor, quam te violem, aut tua jure resolvam.
I have years on my back forty-eight,
Four-and-twenty lap-dogs, all of a row, Four-and-twenty monkeys, kits, and cats, dit-to; Four-and-twenty colours in her tawdry dress, (A rainbow she in all—but its loveliness!) Four-and-twenty tempers, in the four-and-twenty hours; Four-and-twenty dreams of suppos'd vanquished pow'rs, To wit of four-and-twenty swains—more or less; Who have four-and-twenty times, curs'd her ugliness! Four-and-twenty trials, ere as many hours are o'er, Of four-and-twenty genera of rival Kalydor; Four-and-twenty scentings with her dear bergamot, Four-and-twenty daubs of her dear paint-pot; Four-and-twenty visitings to four-and-twenty friends, And four-and-twenty tales of 'em, before the day ends; Of these said four-and-twenty tales just four-and-twenty versions, And all of them of all the facts most farcica perversions. Four-and-twenty false curls, * *
Four-and-twenty false teeth, and quite as false a tongue, Which tells how virtuous was the world when—she and it were young. Or rather for these thirty years has moralizing told, How this good deed and that she'll do, before she grows old: Four-and-twenty sighs a-day, that our rude English sky Is not precise as she—and may wash off the dye Meretricious of her cheeks, which are then like gold, (Though less tempting;) sweet and yellow as a marigold! 2 Four-and-twenty wailings o'er the wedded state, Yet twice as many every day 'tis not her fate; Pretending to the world 'tis mere choice that has led To singleness—yet choosing all the while to be wed, If any doting fool could be doting fool enough To bid for such a breaking down piece of stuff; For any such a winter, that has shed the flowers of spring, Whose autumn too is flown; nor left its fruit or any thing! Yes, such are the marks deep branded on a class Of busy blanks, non-entities, creation's very farce; In these scales then be every piece of Eve's flesh weighed, Find these criteria, and be sure you've found an—Ancient Maid!
W. P–N
ANECDOTES, ROYAL AND NOBLE
(For the Mirror.)
James the First
Robert Cecil, great grandson to the first Earl of Salisbury, told Lord Dartmouth that his ancestor, inquiring into the character of king James, Bruce (his majesty's own ambassador) answered, "Ken ye a John Ape? en I's have him, he'll bite you; en you's have him, he'll bite me."
Sir Edward Seymour
Speaker of the House of Commons, was one day coming to his duty, when his coach happening to break down, he ordered the beadle to stop the first gentleman's coach they met, and bring it to him. The owner felt much surprised to be turned out of his own coach; but Sir Edward told him it was much more proper for him to walk in the streets than the speaker of the House of Commons; and accordingly left him to do so without farther apology.—This arbitrary exercise of authority is perhaps without a parallel.
Henry the Fourth
Of France used to say that a king should have the heart of a child towards God, but the heart of a father towards his subjects.
George the Third
His late majesty was very partial to Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant, and frequently admitted him to the royal hunts. Returning from the chase one day, the king entered affably into conversation with his wine-merchant, and rode with him side by side a considerable distance. Lord Walsingham was in attendance, and watching an opportunity, called Mr. C. aside, and whispered something to him. "What's that? what has Walsingham been saying to you?" inquired the good-humoured monarch. "I find, sire, I have been unintentionally guilty of disrespect by not taking off my hat when I address your majesty; but you will please to observe, that whenever I hunt my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig to my head; and as I am mounted on a very spirited horse, if any thing goes off, we must all go off together." The king laughed heartily at the whimsical apology.
The Duke of Wellington
A certain noble lord, who was the duke's aide-de-camp, visited his grace early on the morning of the battle of Salamanca, and perceiving him lying on a very small camp bedstead, observed, "that his grace had not room to turn himself;" who immediately, in his usual characteristic manner, rejoined, "When you have lived as long and seen so much as I have, you will know, that when a general thinks of turning in his bed, it is full time to turn out."
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Or rather for these thirty years has moralizing told, How this good deed and that she'll do, before she grows old: Four-and-twenty sighs a-day, that our rude English sky Is not precise as she—and may wash off the dye Meretricious of her cheeks, which are then like gold, (Though less tempting;) sweet and yellow as a marigold! 2 Four-and-twenty wailings o'er the wedded state, Yet twice as many every day 'tis not her fate; Pretending to the world 'tis mere choice that has led To singleness—yet choosing all the while to be wed, If any doting fool could be doting fool enough To bid for such a breaking down piece of stuff; For any such a winter, that has shed the flowers of spring, Whose autumn too is flown; nor left its fruit or any thing! 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P–N"},{"id":"content2:0","kind":"heading","text":"ANECDOTES, ROYAL AND NOBLE"},{"id":"content2:1","kind":"heading","text":"(For the Mirror.)"},{"id":"content2:2","kind":"heading","text":"James the First"},{"id":"content2:3","kind":"paragraph","text":"Robert Cecil, great grandson to the first Earl of Salisbury, told Lord Dartmouth that his ancestor, inquiring into the character of king James, Bruce (his majesty's own ambassador) answered, \"Ken ye a John Ape? en I's have him, he'll bite you; en you's have him, he'll bite me.\""},{"id":"content2:4","kind":"heading","text":"Sir Edward Seymour"},{"id":"content2:5","kind":"paragraph","text":"Speaker of the House of Commons, was one day coming to his duty, when his coach happening to break down, he ordered the beadle to stop the first gentleman's coach they met, and bring it to him. 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P–N","page":2,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=2#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:0:2","label":"ANECDOTES, ROYAL AND NOBLE","page":2,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=2#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:2:2","label":"James the First","page":2,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=2#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:4:2","label":"Sir Edward Seymour","page":2,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=2#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:6:2","label":"Henry the Fourth","page":2,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=2#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:8:2","label":"George the Third","page":2,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=2#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:10:2","label":"The Duke of Wellington","page":2,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=2#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:12:3","label":"Rubens","page":3,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=3#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:14:3","label":"Queen Elizabeth","page":3,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=3#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:16:3","label":"Louis XIII","page":3,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=3#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:18:3","label":"Sigismund","page":3,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=3#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:20:3","label":"JACOBUS","page":3,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=3#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:21:3","label":"ARCANA OF SCIENCE","page":3,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=3#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:22:3","label":"Thunder and Lightning","page":3,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=3#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:24:4","label":"New Crane","page":4,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=4#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:26:4","label":"Etching on Ivory","page":4,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=4#reader-content"},{"id":"content2:28:4","label":"Geology","page":4,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=4#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:0:4","label":"THE MONTHS","page":4,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=4#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:1:4","label":"DECEMBER","page":4,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=4#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:16:5","label":"THE MONTHS MORALIZED","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:17:5","label":"(From our Correspondent, M.L.B.)","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:18:5","label":"Januarius","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:20:5","label":"Februarius","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:22:5","label":"Martinus","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:24:5","label":"Aprilis","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:26:5","label":"Maius","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:28:5","label":"Junius","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:30:5","label":"Julius","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:32:5","label":"Augustus","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:34:5","label":"September","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:36:5","label":"October","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:38:5","label":"November","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:40:5","label":"December","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:42:5","label":"Glossary","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:47:5","label":"THE SKETCH-BOOK","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:48:5","label":"No. LII","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content3:49:5","label":"THE UNKNOWN REGION","page":5,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=5#reader-content"},{"id":"content4:0:7","label":"SPIRIT OF THE PUBLIC JOURNALS","page":7,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=7#reader-content"},{"id":"content4:1:7","label":"THE DUST CART","page":7,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=7#reader-content"},{"id":"content4:7:8","label":"THE SELECTOR, AND LITERARY NOTICES OF NEW WORKS","page":8,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=8#reader-content"},{"id":"content4:8:8","label":"NAPOLEON'S DIVORCE","page":8,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=8#reader-content"},{"id":"content4:9:8","label":"Communication of his Intention to Josephine","page":8,"pageUrl":"/books/4LlIbg9N?page=8#reader-content"},{"id":"content4:12:9","label":"Private Anecdotes of Foreign 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