Было не то

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СТРАШНОЕ"},{"id":"id2152:5","kind":"paragraph","text":"ДО ВОСКРЕСЕНЬЯ"},{"id":"id2152:6","kind":"paragraph","text":"МЕМУАРЫ МАРТЫНОВА"},{"id":"id2152:7","kind":"paragraph","text":"ГОРНЫЙ КИЗИЛ"},{"id":"id2152:8","kind":"paragraph","text":"ВТОРАЯ ЛЮБОВЬ"},{"id":"id2152:9","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЧТО ЭТО ТАКОЕ?"},{"id":"id2152:10","kind":"paragraph","text":"ОЧЕРКИ И СТАТЬИ"},{"id":"id2152:11","kind":"paragraph","text":"ПРОПИСИ"},{"id":"id2152:12","kind":"paragraph","text":"СУДЬБА ЕСЕНИНЫХ"},{"id":"id2152:13","kind":"paragraph","text":"ДВА РАЗГОВОРА С ПОЭТАМИ"},{"id":"id2152:14","kind":"paragraph","text":"МЕРТВЫЙ МЛАДЕНЕЦ В РУКАХ"},{"id":"id2152:15","kind":"paragraph","text":"ПРЕДОСТЕРЕЖЕНИЕ"},{"id":"id2152:16","kind":"paragraph","text":"ТОЧКА"},{"id":"id2152:17","kind":"paragraph","text":"СПОР НА КОРАБЛЕ"},{"id":"id2152:18","kind":"paragraph","text":"ПИСЬМО В РЕДАКЦИЮ"},{"id":"id2152:19","kind":"paragraph","text":"ВСЕ НЕПОНЯТНО"},{"id":"id2152:20","kind":"paragraph","text":"«СОВРЕМЕННЫЕ ЗАПИСКИ»"},{"id":"id2152:21","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЗЕМЛЯ И СВОБОДА"},{"id":"id2152:22","kind":"paragraph","text":"О Н. В. ЧАЙКОВСКОМ"},{"id":"id2152:23","kind":"paragraph","text":"СТИХИ, УМ И ГЛУПОСТЬ"},{"id":"id2152:24","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЛИК ЧЕЛОВЕЧЕСКИЙ И ЛИК ВРЕМЕН"},{"id":"id2152:25","kind":"paragraph","text":"О «ВЕРСТАХ» И О ПРОЧЕМ"},{"id":"id2152:26","kind":"paragraph","text":"МАЛЬЧИКИ И ДЕВОЧКИ"},{"id":"id2152:27","kind":"paragraph","text":"МЕЧ И КРЕСТ"},{"id":"id2152:28","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЧЕГО НЕ БЫЛО И ЧТО БЫЛО"},{"id":"id2152:29","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЕГО ВЧЕРАШНИЕ СЛОВА"},{"id":"id2152:30","kind":"paragraph","text":"«СОВРЕМЕННЫЕ ЗАПИСКИ»"},{"id":"id2152:31","kind":"paragraph","text":"СИНЕМА"},{"id":"id2152:32","kind":"paragraph","text":"МЕРТВЫЙ ДУХ[31]"},{"id":"id2152:33","kind":"paragraph","text":"ДА — НЕТ"},{"id":"id2152:34","kind":"paragraph","text":"«БОРЬБА ЗА РОССИЮ»"},{"id":"id2152:35","kind":"paragraph","text":"О СВОБОДЕ [33]"},{"id":"id2152:36","kind":"paragraph","text":"ОКОЛО РОМАНА"},{"id":"id2152:37","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЗЕЛЕНАЯ ЛАМПА"},{"id":"id2152:38","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЗАМЕТКИ О «ЧЕЛОВЕЧЕСТВЕ»"},{"id":"id2152:39","kind":"paragraph","text":"ВТОРОЙ КОШМАР"},{"id":"id2152:40","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЗАСТИГНУТАЯ В ПУТИ"},{"id":"id2152:41","kind":"paragraph","text":"«ОРДЕН» (Из современных разговоров)"},{"id":"id2152:42","kind":"paragraph","text":"«СОВРЕМЕННЫЕ ЗАПИСКИ»"},{"id":"id2152:43","kind":"paragraph","text":"НЕЛОВКОСТЬ"},{"id":"id2152:44","kind":"paragraph","text":"НА МОИХ ГЛАЗАХ"},{"id":"id2152:45","kind":"paragraph","text":"ДВА СЛОВА О ДВУХ СТАТЬЯХ"},{"id":"id2152:46","kind":"paragraph","text":"ТРЕТИЙ ПУТЬ"},{"id":"id2152:47","kind":"paragraph","text":"ОПАСНЫЙ ДЕФЕКТ"},{"id":"id2152:48","kind":"paragraph","text":"«ЗНАК». О Владиславе Ходасевиче"},{"id":"id2152:49","kind":"paragraph","text":"СИМВОЛИЧЕСКИЙ ВИШНЯК"},{"id":"id2152:50","kind":"paragraph","text":"ПОЛИКСЕНА СОЛОВЬЕВА"},{"id":"id2152:51","kind":"paragraph","text":"ТО, ДА НЕ ТО"},{"id":"id2152:52","kind":"paragraph","text":"ХРИСТИАНЕ НА СЛУЖБЕ"},{"id":"id2152:53","kind":"paragraph","text":"О ЕВАНГЕЛИИ-КНИГЕ"},{"id":"id2152:54","kind":"paragraph","text":"КОМПАС"},{"id":"id2152:55","kind":"paragraph","text":"«СОВРЕМЕННЫЕ ЗАПИСКИ»"},{"id":"id2152:56","kind":"paragraph","text":"ДВА ЗАВЕТА"},{"id":"id2152:57","kind":"paragraph","text":"ШЕСТЬ ВОПРОСОВ"},{"id":"id2152:58","kind":"paragraph","text":"ПОЛОЖЕНИЕ ЛИТЕРАТУРНОЙ КРИТИКИ"},{"id":"id2152:59","kind":"paragraph","text":"КАКОЙ СОЦИАЛИЗМ? КАКАЯ РЕЛИГИЯ?"},{"id":"id2152:60","kind":"paragraph","text":"НЕВОСПИТАННОСТЬ"},{"id":"id2152:61","kind":"paragraph","text":"ДУШУ ПОТЕРЯТЬ"},{"id":"id2152:62","kind":"paragraph","text":"«НЕ НРАВИТСЯ НРАВИТСЯ»"},{"id":"id2152:63","kind":"paragraph","text":"«ГЛАЗА ЛАНИ»"},{"id":"id2152:64","kind":"paragraph","text":"ОКОЛО ТОЛСТОГО"},{"id":"id2152:65","kind":"paragraph","text":"НЕЧТО ВРОДЕ ОТКРЫТОГО ПИСЬМА"},{"id":"id2152:66","kind":"paragraph","text":"ПРАВДА И ИСТИНА"},{"id":"id2152:67","kind":"paragraph","text":"ПИСЬМО О ЮГОСЛАВИИ"},{"id":"id2152:68","kind":"paragraph","text":"МЕЧТА"},{"id":"id2152:69","kind":"paragraph","text":"БЕЗ КРИТИКИ"},{"id":"id2152:70","kind":"paragraph","text":"ОПЯТЬ О НЕПРИМИРИМОСТИ"},{"id":"id2152:71","kind":"paragraph","text":"БРОДЯЧАЯ СОБАКА"},{"id":"id2152:72","kind":"paragraph","text":"ГОГОЛЬ И БЕЛИНСКИЙ"},{"id":"id2152:73","kind":"paragraph","text":"ДЕЛО ЭМИГРАЦИИ — ДЕЛО РОССИИ"},{"id":"id2152:74","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЛЮБИМАЯ"},{"id":"id2152:75","kind":"paragraph","text":"МЕЛЬКНУВШЕЕ МГНОВЕННО"},{"id":"id2152:76","kind":"paragraph","text":"ПОЧЕМУ НАМ СКУЧНО?"},{"id":"id2152:77","kind":"paragraph","text":"«О ШЕСТОМ ЧУВСТВЕ»"},{"id":"id2152:78","kind":"paragraph","text":"ПОЭМА ЖИЗНИ"},{"id":"id2152:79","kind":"paragraph","text":"НАШЕ ПРЯМОЕ ДЕЛО"},{"id":"id2152:80","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЛИТЕРАТУРНЫЕ РАЗМЫШЛЕНИЯ [1]"},{"id":"id2152:81","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЛИТЕРАТУРНЫЕ РАЗМЫШЛЕНИЯ [2]"},{"id":"id2152:82","kind":"paragraph","text":"ЛИТЕРАТУРНЫЕ РАЗМЫШЛЕНИЯ [3]"},{"id":"id2152:83","kind":"paragraph","text":"КОММЕНТАРИИ"},{"id":"id2152:84","kind":"paragraph","text":"notes"},{"id":"id2152:85","kind":"paragraph","text":"1"},{"id":"id2152:86","kind":"paragraph","text":"2"},{"id":"id2152:87","kind":"paragraph","text":"3"},{"id":"id2152:88","kind":"paragraph","text":"4"},{"id":"id2152:89","kind":"paragraph","text":"5"},{"id":"id2152:90","kind":"paragraph","text":"6"},{"id":"id2152:91","kind":"paragraph","text":"7"},{"id":"id2152:92","kind":"paragraph","text":"8"},{"id":"id2152:93","kind":"paragraph","text":"9"},{"id":"id2152:94","kind":"paragraph","text":"10"},{"id":"id2152:95","kind":"paragraph","text":"11"},{"id":"id2152:96","kind":"paragraph","text":"12"},{"id":"id2152:97","kind":"paragraph","text":"13"},{"id":"id2152:98","kind":"paragraph","text":"14"},{"id":"id2152:99","kind":"paragraph","text":"15"},{"id":"id2152:100","kind":"paragraph","text":"16"},{"id":"id2152:101","kind":"paragraph","text":"17"},{"id":"id2152:102","kind":"paragraph","text":"18"},{"id":"id2152:103","kind":"paragraph","text":"19"},{"id":"id2152:104","kind":"paragraph","text":"20"},{"id":"id2152:105","kind":"paragraph","text":"21"},{"id":"id2152:106","kind":"paragraph","text":"22"},{"id":"id2152:107","kind":"paragraph","text":"23"},{"id":"id2152:108","kind":"paragraph","text":"24"},{"id":"id2152:109","kind":"paragraph","text":"25"},{"id":"id2152:110","kind":"paragraph","text":"26"},{"id":"id2152:111","kind":"paragraph","text":"27"},{"id":"id2152:112","kind":"paragraph","text":"28"},{"id":"id2152:113","kind":"paragraph","text":"29"},{"id":"id2152:114","kind":"paragraph","text":"30"},{"id":"id2152:115","kind":"paragraph","text":"31"},{"id":"id2152:116","kind":"paragraph","text":"32"},{"id":"id2152:117","kind":"paragraph","text":"33"},{"id":"id2152:118","kind":"paragraph","text":"34"},{"id":"id2152:119","kind":"paragraph","text":"35"},{"id":"id2152:120","kind":"paragraph","text":"36"},{"id":"id2152:121","kind":"paragraph","text":"37"},{"id":"id2152:122","kind":"paragraph","text":"38"},{"id":"id2152:123","kind":"paragraph","text":"39"},{"id":"id2152:124","kind":"paragraph","text":"40"},{"id":"id2152:125","kind":"paragraph","text":"41"},{"id":"id2152:126","kind":"paragraph","text":"42"},{"id":"id2152:127","kind":"paragraph","text":"43"},{"id":"id2152:128","kind":"paragraph","text":"44"},{"id":"id2152:129","kind":"paragraph","text":"45"},{"id":"id2152:130","kind":"paragraph","text":"46"},{"id":"id2152:131","kind":"paragraph","text":"47"},{"id":"id2152:132","kind":"paragraph","text":"48"},{"id":"id2152:133","kind":"paragraph","text":"49"},{"id":"id2152:134","kind":"paragraph","text":"50"},{"id":"id2152:135","kind":"paragraph","text":"51"},{"id":"id2152:136","kind":"paragraph","text":"52"},{"id":"id2152:137","kind":"paragraph","text":"53"},{"id":"id2152:138","kind":"paragraph","text":"54"},{"id":"id2152:139","kind":"paragraph","text":"55"},{"id":"id2152:140","kind":"paragraph","text":"56"},{"id":"id2152:141","kind":"paragraph","text":"57"},{"id":"id2152:142","kind":"paragraph","text":"58"},{"id":"id2152:143","kind":"paragraph","text":"59"},{"id":"id2152:144","kind":"paragraph","text":"60"},{"id":"id2152:145","kind":"paragraph","text":"61"},{"id":"id2152:146","kind":"paragraph","text":"62"},{"id":"id2152:147","kind":"paragraph","text":"63"},{"id":"id2152:148","kind":"paragraph","text":"64"},{"id":"id2152:149","kind":"paragraph","text":"65"},{"id":"id2152:150","kind":"paragraph","text":"66"},{"id":"id2152:151","kind":"paragraph","text":"67"},{"id":"id2152:152","kind":"paragraph","text":"68"},{"id":"id2152:153","kind":"paragraph","text":"69"},{"id":"id2151:0","kind":"heading","text":"РАССКАЗЫ"},{"id":"id2150:0","kind":"heading","text":"ТИХОЕ. СТРАШНОЕ"},{"id":"id2150:1","kind":"paragraph","text":"Один из моих молодых приятелей отличается странной спеленутостью, связанностью, — она его самого, видимо, тяготит. И хотел бы поговорить о себе, и не может. Я пытаюсь вытащить его из коробки (совсем точно в коробке!) и тогда применяю к нему систему наводящих вопросов. Что, например, он любит? Это очень открывает человека, только надо, конечно, разбивать вопрос на множество частных. Но с моим приятелем и это не вышло, или, впрочем, вышло, но неожиданно."},{"id":"id2150:2","kind":"paragraph","text":"На все окольные вопросы отвечал: «нет» и вдруг определенно заявил:"},{"id":"id2150:3","kind":"paragraph","text":"— Я ничего не люблю."},{"id":"id2150:4","kind":"paragraph","text":"После этого мы замолчали. Что же дальше спрашивать? Надо подождать."},{"id":"id2150:5","kind":"paragraph","text":"Но, к удивлению, он заговорил снова:"},{"id":"id2150:6","kind":"paragraph","text":"У нас слово «любить» разное значит. Я, по-своему если, — правда, ничего не люблю. А если хотите — могу сказать, что я недавно любил старух."},{"id":"id2150:7","kind":"paragraph","text":"Как это, старух? Каких старух?"},{"id":"id2150:8","kind":"paragraph","text":"Вот, вы уже не понимаете. А я любил. То есть опять не «любил», а другое: влекся к ним, потрясался, что ли, ими. Оне преследовали меня, — и я их преследовал."},{"id":"id2150:9","kind":"paragraph","text":"— Да, не понимаю…"},{"id":"id2150:10","kind":"paragraph","text":"— Это надо выдумать такое слово, как французское fascination[1]. По-русски перевести — выйдет все не то. А затем надо знать, какие старухи на меня так действовали."},{"id":"id2150:11","kind":"paragraph","text":"— Не все значит?"},{"id":"id2150:12","kind":"paragraph","text":"— Конечно, не все. Во-первых, моя старуха — незнакомая, я ее встречал на улице, обыкновенно. За ней-то и шел, остановиться не мог, преследовал. Старуха подтянутая, накрашенная, еще «не отказавшаяся», хотя уж с неуверенными глазами, — конечно, не моя старуха. Деловая, с корзинкой, с пакетами, с другой старухой, — тоже не моя. Не любил я и «бабушек», около детских колясочек, с дочкой, с нисходящим поколением, — опять не та."},{"id":"id2150:13","kind":"paragraph","text":"— Какая же та, ваша?"},{"id":"id2150:14","kind":"paragraph","text":"— Я вам расскажу. Она — праздная, и непременно одна. Одета в черном или темном, не то, что оборвано, но бедно и как-то без «любви», без внимания, точно без сознания. А вместе с тем кажется, что ее одежда и есть она, а она — вот эта одежда. Юбка полудлинная, сбоку немножко висит, чулки черные и ужасно плоские башмаки, носами чуть вверх. Кофта какая-то, — редко пальто; на шейке бывает шерстяная косынка; шляпа тускленькая, приплюснутый бант, или без банта. Руки в черных нитяных перчатках, и на каждом пальце, на конце, камушек свалялся. Иногда в руках зонтик, рыжий, довольно большой и ридикюль. Старушка моя сухонькая и очень часто совсем маленькая. Горбится, но бывает и прямая. Она идет…"},{"id":"id2150:15","kind":"paragraph","text":"— А какое у нее лицо?"},{"id":"id2150:16","kind":"paragraph","text":"— Подождите, не перебивайте. Она идет медленно и… как бы сказать? идет — никуда. Это сейчас видно, что никуда. Может остановиться у витрины, долго стоять неподвижно и смотреть — все равно на что: на колбасу, на аптекарские принадлежности, на антикварную мебель, на гору булок, на чулки, на электрические лампы, на чемоданы, на челюсти, на бутылки с шампанским, на галстуки и рубашки, на образцы антрацита — ей все равно. Стоит тихо и смотрит, и подол у нее также висит, и ручками черными прижимает к себе тихо зонтик или ридикюль. Вы спросите, какое лицо. Такое, как она вся: отсутствующее. Посветлее ее всей, пожелтее, с глазами, может быть, видящими (видит же, идет же), а, может быть, и нет. И глаза «отсутствуют». Меня это отсутствие и тянуло, прямо втягивало. Оно — тишина. Понимаете, на улице шум, грохот, вскрики автомобилей, звонки, спешка… А моя царственная, отсутствующая старуха в тишине — как в облаке, стоит — или идет, неторопливо, одинаково, именно как идут — никуда. С таким лицом, с таким зонтиком нельзя не идти — никуда. И я за ней шел, не мог тоже не идти; в ее облако тихое старался попасть — и не попадал, хотя почти вплотную шел, у тех же витрин с нею останавливался, смотрел на аптекарские банки, на пустые перчатки в красильне, на чемоданы… Она двигалась — и я двигался. Потом или темнело, и я, в огнях, сам не знаю, как терял ее, или она за угол заворачивала, и я тоже терял ее; но непременно терял, когда в меня уж начинала входить ее тихость, беззвучность, ее отсутствие. В тихом этом страшное, но упоительно-страшное, такое, которое влечет, справиться нельзя."},{"id":"id2150:17","kind":"paragraph","text":"Это были же разные старухи?"},{"id":"id2150:18","kind":"paragraph","text":"Не знаю. Конечно, разные. Одна была в чепчике вместо шляпы. Волосы седые или с большой проседью. У одной очень мало волос. И руки без перчаток, цепкие. Но не в том же дело, что разные. В том дело, что одна, что она здесь, — и уже не здесь; а в тихом своем облаке. И даже нельзя сказать уже не здесь: если «уже» — значит время, а про время невозможно думать, когда видишь страшное облако. Тогда только «нет», только «отсутствие»… Впрочем, я напрасно… Я плохо рассказываю. И как рассказать. Ведь похоже — просто неврастенические бредни. Да я уж теперь и не люблю ее больше."},{"id":"id2150:19","kind":"paragraph","text":"Нет, постойте. Ну бредни неврастенические, это своим чередом. А как же вы ее разлюбили? Забыли? Постепенно?"},{"id":"id2150:20","kind":"paragraph","text":"Сразу разлюбил. Опять будет никому непонятно, так что я в двух словах скажу, все равно. Шел раз по улице, широкой и нешумной, обсаженной деревьями, чуть-чуть в зеленом пуху. Было позднее, очень светлое, утро. И вдруг, навстречу — она! Прямо навстречу, прямо на меня."},{"id":"id2150:21","kind":"paragraph","text":"Она?"}],"toc":[{"id":"id2152:0:1","label":"Annotation","page":1,"pageUrl":"/books/1Z7v3y95#reader-content"},{"id":"id2151:0:1","label":"РАССКАЗЫ","page":1,"pageUrl":"/books/1Z7v3y95#reader-content"},{"id":"id2150:0:1","label":"ТИХОЕ. 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Духовные основы жизни. 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